Arsenal and Friends

With the arsenal match around the corner, them playing in the champions league final after 20 years. Somehow a event connects to your life in a way that you start seeing things in its context. I remember falling in love with the sports in late high school when i was 15-16 around 2004-2005. And as i didnt know any better relied on others to know which team to follow.

Barcelona Madrid United Liverpool all had its own sets of fan, and Arsenal were hot after their invincible season and the legend of Wenger Henry with the new guard slowly taking over from the legends. And for i didn’t know any better and i liked their free style passing and speed i started watching them.

As with the time difference and a single TV at home in the hall those days, the only way to watch a match was on mute when everyone was sleeping in the middle of the night. And all of 16 without any awarness of the history i watched Arsenal play Barcelona for the final in 2006.

A match we led for the first 76 minutes and a man down so close so within the grasp before it all went away with the brilliance of Inesta. And that stuck with me, though i didnt know it will follow a 20 year period of dismay and dissapointment.

Every year we hoped and every year it got dashed and friends teased. But the resolve and the support just grew with every failure, and maybe thats the true test of bonds the failure. With years of not even following what was happening with the fear that you might again face another heartbreak.

To now after 20 long years and 22 years of not winning the league we have a chance for miracle season. With the league in our hands the champions league would the sweetness which might heal all wounds and the pride we felt will be restored for generations to come.

But the long preface was to say, that the bond with a community makes me think of my friends, my brothers. Mohak Aayush Piyush the only people in the world who had made feel like i belonged. For all the trauma of my childhood and the loneliness they made me realise that there can be a family. Where there is love cheerishment glory celebration sadness all of it. But its all ok because you have each other.

And then i did something so horrible, that i lost everything and i lost them as well. A lot of relationships ended, almost all of them, but the pain of losing them probably didnt hurt as much as loosing them. And now when my club is at the prefice of all the glory there is and joy and the arsenal brotherhood is united and celebrating together, all i can wonder is what if i had my brothers around me as well.

We used to say to the world, that we will never need anyone or anything else because we had each other. A single call and no matter how far away we are from each other, we will be there. There was pride in that and arrogance, like we were the only ones who had that bond with each other. And maybe we did.

But now that is gone.

But my hope today for everyone who is out there and has something like that they cheerish while they have it and protect it while they can. Somethings are more important than well everything, they are what makes this life worth living. And everyone who has lost that maybe believing in something like i do for the hope of Arsenal wining tomorow gives you some peace.

Homelessness

Well there is a first time for everything. But the strange thing is you get used to those extremes fairly quickly. What felt unimaginable before becomes the new normal and then everything is an upside.

The human brain is quite adaptive i suppose. So last night was the first time I slept without a roof. It’s happened once before but not to the extreme as yesterday and for the first time there is day 2.

There is a lack of impulse control even when the consequences are so extreme and dire. Like something which is inherently positive is the biggest negative as well. But the first thing that you learn when you are without a roof is not the lack of it but the fear of the law.

I never looked at it that way but sleeping on the road the risk is the cops waking you up and asking you to move. A man can probably sleep anywhere I suppose that’s how you are able to fight war and survive in jungles and other extremes. The body adapts as well.

The only issue with all of it you will slowly goes. Even though you are surviving all you secretly want is to get so on the edge that it ends. You start hoping for it to get worse but not slowly but immediately. All at once all together.

Maybe it’s this way because my situations are my own creation my own actions. There was a time when circumstances determined where I was and I fought it with the best of my capability. But I lost that moral ground a long long time ago. And once fallen there hasn’t been any getting back up.

It’s not like I didn’t have my chance or capacity to do it. But definitely there has been  a death of intent to even do right or the willingness. Always feels like there is a bottom which is yet to come. And isn’t here yet.

Well let’s see if there is a Day 3.

The Pathological Liar

On the way to work, he stops to buy a cig from the nearby shop, well knowing that this will lead to no money left for food if he did. But a man of creature cant really stop. As he picks up a conversation with the shop keeper trying to keep up appearances when not necessary.

For a 20 bucks item he makes a lie about how he is spending thousands of bucks on a imaginary medical family emergency. With no gain, no possible opportunity or advantage, its for gaining sympathy or some kind of pathological need to be liked. Wonder how that’s even possible in this case.

Pays the same and starts walking to work again, the engines in his mind playing the next scenario and the next conversation. Trying to be bigger than he is, even though it doesn’t feel the same even for a bit. That’s the wonder of living in a dreamland, always and forever. Where everything always is right. Maybe its the narcissism. Or maybe something else.

The day goes by like it always does, half assing it pretending flexing more than actual doing. Imposter syndrome always at play, just that its actually a imposter than just a feeling. On the way back, as they cross the shop, still playing his next conversation with the shop keeper the next lie, again with no apparent gain or pleasure.

When lying comes easier than the truth, when the story is more comfortable and manipulation is the only truth that you can sustain, where does the journey go.

On and on day by day the scenario keeps repeating and the stories and lies keeps growing. Until one day, as he leaves the shop to go home, he sees a couple, trying to get in sync to go out maybe dinner, carefully normal like any other day. And all of a sudden the floodgates open as the memories crash upon him, the turn the smile all reminding all hurting like its all fresh.

He stands there for a minute 10 maybe who only knows, paralyzed until they pass. Once the trance is over, he starts walking again, wishing that the cigarette wasn’t over, as he stops and checks if he can buy another. Maybe the smoke is the pain vanishing in the eternity, maybe its just a symbol of inflicting the pain. He buys another with the last of the 20 bucks he has left, with not a care about tomorrow and what it brings with it. For all that matters for now, is the walk back home, alone to the mind numbing brain rot and the surviving, justification for the lying to being all over again tomorrow, until he vanishes like the smoke of the cigarette .

Love Birds

Conflict makes a story great but they also are the saddest thing. But who knows joy if not pain. Love has its share and so did they

The birds flew high
Oblivious of the height they were at
The birds flew into the clouds
High they flew
Till the sun shined in their eyes
Not a worry in the bones
High they flew

Poachers and watchers
Watched with intent
Waiting for them to fly a lil low
For the sun the push them down
So hunt and make them fall
But high they flew
Flew into the sky

In love
They looked at the sun with care
Smiled at the people below
Whistling sweet nothing
Into their ears
Taking about nothing
Planning the beauty
Of the lives which were about to come
But the poachers watched on

Time flew
And their love only grew
Not knowing the fate which awaited them
In such a near future
Smiles and happiness
They spread around
As they flew together
Only high and high

But the night follows the day
And life maintains its circle
Fear captures the heart
And weakens the resolve
Wedge driven between the souls
Meant to always be together
Some created by others
And others their own demons

Ultimately the sun overpowers
And the poachers get their chance
The world looks on smiling
Taking pleasure in their pain
The fall is sharp and quick
But they make a lifetime in it
But all that is tomorrow
As today is their day
And the love birds flew
Flew into the sunset

The Beloved

The butterfly effect loosely states that the wings of the butterfly at one part of the world can cause storm at the other end. I guess that is what was happening then. That is I guess what is always happening.

Stepping onto 25
She didn’t know
What to expect
Betrayed and heartbroken before
She went to the festival of lights
Unaware of the plans
With all the innocence up for grabs

Far away from her mind
In the same ground as hers
A song kept playing on loop
A song which would be forever
For hers to keep
A moment a time which
Would seal the fate of her soul
For the entirety of a lifetime.

She thought she found a friend
Someone interesting
Something which made her curious
Oh she didn’t even think
That the fall would be so quick
And so hard
And she fell

Love doesn’t need effort
All it needs is opportunity
And it stuck her chords
And she held it at the first go
Hints dropped
And honesty was tried
All the shyness apart
She found bravery
When none was to be found

She pulled him out of the darkness
And bought him into the light
And when she did
All he saw was her
And she become his beloved
But lil did he knew
She had already made him hers

The waking moments became his
Her time became his
Her dreams were his
Her body and soul were his
All she thought about was him
And all she wanted was him
She was in love
And all of a sudden
Her love was her life

Calm and patient
She took his cynicism away
Then his anger
Then the hurt
Until the darkness inside vanished
He gave her hope
And she gave him a life
She loved like there was no tomorrow
And everyday was a lifetime

She didn’t know then
But she had started
The greatest love stories of all time
She didn’t know
But she made a dying man
Live again
He her heart
And she his soul
His beloved

The Room

In a room full of peopleWe sat next to each other

But were aloof in our own selves 
In a room full of people 

It was your voice 

That got my attention
In a room full of people

When my eyes met yours

They did all the talking 
In a room full of people

We exchanged smiles

And you got me hooked
In a room full of people

You were the one

That got me intrigued 
By the dawn 

It was only you 

For me 
And

After all

In the end

It all comes down 

To the person you look for

In a room full of people

The Moment

And this dayThis time

And the moment

Will pass

And will bring a new time 

And a new world with it.

But in this moment 

Let me hold you 

For a second 

For a glance

For a instant 

In which I capture you in my head.

For in this moment

I will be able 

To live a lifetime 

Generations 

And their memories

And in this moment 

We will live so many stories

Over and over again 

With you in my arms 

And in these stories

We will fit out entire lifetimes
And in that embrace 

And in that hold 

I’ll feel my entire heartbeat 

Every second to every breath

Every touch of air to be felt

For in that moment

I would have been born again .

The Effect

After effects of finding love is amazing. Here are my feelings.

Sitting on the table Waiting for my day to be over

I kick off my shoes 

Tilt my head back 

To hold the moment 

And imagine you in my head

Your face 

That smile 

Those lips

And your lovely eyes.
I imagine how they sparkle across the room

And you glow as I stare at you

The shyness

And the love

All of t makes me laugh

For I haven’t felt this

For I never imagined 

That one day all of you will be mine
All the love that I get

And all the concern in your voice

I fall for you more everyday

Sweetheart I fall very hard

All the cute names that you call

And all the sweetness that are you

I wonder if I hit my head

If all this is just my imagination
But then I know 

I will get to see you 

Hold your hands 

And take you in my arms

I’ll be able to kiss you light

And hold you all so tight

I’ll look deep in your eyes

And I’ll know 

That you will be here

Forever and ever

As you are all mine 

The Yes

And then there was this storyOnce upon a time 

A place far far away

In the land of the plenty

And the place of the beautiful

That I met the girl 

Who would one day 

Become my whole world
Destiny some call it 

Persistent she

Some call it lucky 

But damn I fell it’s all three

Love has a way of finding itself

Through months or years

It took us a decade and then some 

But who would have thought 

That we will again be one
And the cheesiness is back

And the smile is constant

I don’t recognise myself 

For nothing else seems to matter

All I think about is you

All I want is you 

You took my heart years ago

And revived it again

When you said yes
I love you with all my heart

You always had a piece of me 

Now that I have you here

I feel whole all over again

You will plug my fears

And me soar

Oh baby 

You don’t even know 

What are you in for 

So let me tell you this for start

You are mine and mine alone 

For you are my world 

And I am never letting you go 

All but One

Love is about letting go Be scared witless 

Until you ain’t

Love is about being free

Jumping over your soul

Or holding back until your heart explodes
A kiss a picture

They tell a story 

Worth a lifetime 

The smile hides

A million emotions 

A joy about for the heavens
Love is for the brave

To fall and crawl you’r way through the mud

To touch the fingertips 

A connection to be felt 

As the world revolves 

With her at the centre.
A poem a gesture

Go on to show the world

The pain the longing it has

The love the happiness 

Beautiful from the moment they step 

In to your life into your world 

To make it world of it own
All consuming love it 

It’s pulls you deep into the ground 

And lifts your souls higher than the gods

It’s like sitting on fire

And felling a chill with just a sense of their being 

Until the warm the cold and you 

And her

Are all but one.